Fuck

[montebello]

So this happened a month or two ago. I was at Target on a Tuesday night, I was in the frozen microwave dinner aisle, and there's this absolutely gorgeous girl shopping for microwave dinners too. Given the time and place, she's probably single, right? Even if she's not, who cares? As Brad said, "What's the worst that can happen, she slaps you with a Swanson?" :-p But I chickened out and didn't talk to her.

The thing is, I don't believe in fate anymore. If nothing's going to set me up with a woman, I need to go out and make my own opportunities. Yes, the odds are stacked against me. I'm not going to meet anyone at work, given it's a small site we really only have software developers and those are mostly guys. My friends have repeatedly proven they're not going to help me. I'm not the best looking guy out there. I don't go out to bars by myself and hell most my friends don't want to go out anyway. Most women are not interested in me, and those that I suspect of being interested either have partners or are intimidated by me. I'm scarred from the past and I've never had a good relationship so I've never gained much confidence around women I'm attracted to. But it seems to be up to me. :-( And I'm not rising up to the challenge.

Tonight it happened again. Different girl, but I checked and she had no ring, and she was by herself just taking her time shopping. AFTER the fact I realized I passed her in the granola bar aisle, I could have been like, "Oh which kind of granola/energy bars are you looking for? These ones are really good." At another point I could have gotten in line at the cashier behind her and I didn't, I went to go buy one more thing, and the opportunity was gone. Not that I know what I would have said, she was staring at her phone while waiting in line.

Then I ended up in a different line while she was checking out, and so I got to my car a minute or two after her. But we ended up finishing unloading at about the same time, and then we had this awkward moment where I was waiting for her to put her cart in the cart receptacle (word?) in the parking lot, and she said, "Go ahead." So I rolled my cart in, and then after I put my cart in, she said, "Have a good night," to which I responded, "You too."

So she's nice too, she talked to me, and I still didn't manage to strike up a conversation that eventually leads to me asking for a phone number. I think if I saw her again, I could pull it off, I've done it once before, I saw a girl a few times at the gym, third or fourth time I saw her I went up and asked her out. (No small talk beforehand, I'd prefer leading into it instead of being quite so direct, but she had headphones on, so I just went straight for it). FAILURE, she had a boyfriend, who was not present. But I felt good about myself for being courageous enough to do it, and then knowing that she was not available. Knowing that I wasn't a conversation away from having a fun time and getting to know a potential partner.

Now these two women at Target, I'm inclined to think they're single (well I was with the girl at the gym too, and that turned out wrong). But regardless the odds are I will never see them again, so who cares if you get rejected and embarrassed? And because of those odds, I am now pissed at myself. My therapist used to say I was too hard on myself, but there's no one else helping me, and it's not like a class where I will see her again next week and get another opportunity. Fuck!

Some people say, "Well if it's supposed to happen, it will happen, you'll see her again," but I don't believe in fate anymore!

Comments

[caudelac]

first, I hug.

Second, since I have complete faith that you will be a decent human if turned down, there's very little, imho, to risk from being friendly and opening a conversation with a girl if there's an opportunity. Also, I agree with your therapist.

Also also, I'm sad you're not local coz I love playing matchmaker, and I'm an awesome wingman, if I do say so myself. :P

[montebello]

I can see you as an awesome wingman. I know that nothing bad will happen if I get turned down, it's just a slight moment of embarrassment vs the enlightenment of knowing one way or another. Yet still I struggle in the moment. And I know I can do it! Just sometimes...I can't, and that sucks.