Timing

Apr. 17th, 2019 11:44 pm
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I keep meaning to post over here but I don't know how to stop it from turning into a whine festival.

Good news is that I have recovered my writing spark and am working on the website again. I wanted to add one new fact I learned about Napoleon to his biography and then I found myself enjoying editing it. I had a good six months there of not working on it at all, which is probably the longest I've gone without a single change. But now I once again looking forward to writing about the history and hopefully sharing it with others.
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This is going to get really long, but maybe it's interesting.

Dating is hard )

Dammit

Feb. 27th, 2019 10:22 pm
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Last Wednesday night, a week ago, I went to the emergency room at about 2 AM after being unable to fall asleep due to being in too much pain. My left side really, really hurt. I've felt worse but it was decidedly uncomfortable and not ignorable and was not going to go away. The emergency room staff were super friendly and helpful, except the receptionist who didn't give a shit, and it turns out I have a kidney stone. I was also dehydrated, which is the most likely reason I got a kidney stone in the first place.

Read more... )
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I don't know what to do about relationships. I don't understand what's different about me and everyone else.

Read more... )
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Today sucked at work. As I walked to my desk Travis intercepted me and told me that I suck for breaking his code. I was speechless so I flipped him off and he laughed. For my ticket I had rearranged a directory structure, his ticket was dependent on knowing the directory structure beforehand, and I had moved it. Just a conflict of timing that we were both working in the same area at the same time, though he had code reviewed my change and my changes got in first, yesterday. Still, it annoyed me.

He's kind of bombastic and complaintistic so it wasn't entirely surprising, but it was the first time someone straight up told me I sucked in the professional world. I'm sure people have said it behind my back, but my work has always been excellent except for my first year out of college, and even then, it's kind of what you'd expect from someone straight out of college with little mentoring. Ohterwise, my work has been decidedly of high quality, and I dare anyone to find an example otherwise. So it's in Travis' nature to go "complain, blame, complain, fix it" so I'm not too offended, but at the same time, it's in my nature to be sensitive to criticism and take things personally.

So yeah, today kind of sucked.

Friends

Feb. 3rd, 2019 10:40 pm
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One of the things that has frustrated me for the past many years is the lack of a best friend. Not to discount my two furry felines who are best friends, and I have some really great friends, but once or twice or thrice upon a time I had friends who I could tell anything to. Do other people still have that? Maybe I am too jaded from getting hurt and some of my current friends would be candidates, but I don't know. Regardless, I miss having someone I can just talk to about things and not be judged on, whether they be good, or bad, or boring thoughts.

So maybe this place can be that. Of course it's the internet so there's plenty of judgmental assholes, but I think I am fairly anonymous here and unworthy of notice. Kinda weird how I can feel safer openly posting (of course some posts will be private) than just talking to some people, but you never know how they will react.

When I was back in therapy, the therapist asked me, "Why are you embarrassed about that?" And I responded, "People will judge me for it." And she said, "Would you judge someone for that?" and I replied, "Of course not." So maybe I am not giving people enough credit, but frankly she had far too rosy of glasses on as I have been judged on such things, and it sucked. C'est la vie.

Arrival

Jan. 24th, 2019 11:50 pm
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I have arrived, seeking refuge from the eviction of Google+, the downfall of LiveJournal, the abandonment of Blogger, the corruption of Facebook, and the stupidity of Twitter. Never tried Tumblr. On Reddit I'm a lurker. Instagram remains an experiment. Note it doesn't mean I don't use those services, just that they don't appeal to me to login very often.

I once loved LiveJournal for the ability to post blogs of any length, cut them (hide text) so that only those interested read my walls of text, and selectively choose which thoughts were public and which were private for a select group of friends. Expression of oneself without judgment was freeing, something much of the internet seems to horribly lack these days (and back then too, though it wasn't as prevalent), as people lose basic humanity and politeness due to being behind a screen and unable to pick up on body language, vibes and voice tones, and consequences for their redundant attack words.


Will I use this service? I don't know. I don't have as much free time as I once did, but writing out thoughts and feelings is cathartic at times. Regardless, I have arrived.

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