Dates with Christine
Dec. 1st, 2021 09:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
montebelloSo over the last two months (October and November) I went on four dates with a woman named Christine. This is significantly more than my normal one date only with a person, or the rare two dates with the same person.
We met on Tinder, which contrary to what some people believe, is used for more than hookups, i.e. dating. I hardly ever get matches, which while sad and demoralizing, is a fairly common thing for guys, based on reading reddit posts. She was the first woman I both matched with and felt somewhat excited for. Sometimes I match with people that I don't even remember swiping right (i.e. saying I'm interested) on, I am trying to be more selective.
So we start off with fairly basic questions back and forth over text. Then I was out of town for a few days but we still stayed in touch, though not texting a lot. I don't know, I'm not a big texter, and she wasn't apparently either.
So then we get to date number one. She had suggested the place and the day, since "they wouldn't have live music that day". Just a small local bar. We both live on the south side of town, so neither of us was particularly keen to go gallivanting to far off places. We both showed up at roughly the same time and met each other outside the door. Unfortunately I immediately realized I didn't feel a spark with her for whatever reason. We go inside, and there is very loud music. Unsure of where else to go, I just follow her lead and go with it anyway.
Frankly, the date was awful. We had to shout to hear each other over the music, and even then, hearing was a challenge. It got to the point where you sorta catch it but not entirely, and you say, "What?" and she repeats it and you say, "What?" and she repeats it and then you just nod your head as if you caught everything. Also, the conversation was not great. Every time we'd come to a pause, there'd be that bit of awkward silence, and then I would break it by asking her a question about herself. Which is fine, but we hit a lot of those pauses, so the conversation wasn't just flowing naturally, and she never reciprocated. I always rescued us from the silence, and for better or for worse I probably asked a question 80 or 90 percent of the time, instead of talking about myself.
So the date ends with a hug and that's that. I figured that was over, I didn't really have a fun time, but then she texts me saying she had a good time. I tell my friend Josh about it a few days later, and he convinces me to give it another shot. It wasn't a fair date since we had the loud music ruining it, and I shouldn't be looking so hard for a spark right away. By spark I mean that magnetic attraction you have towards someone.
So I invite her to go do minigolf since in our conversation that night it had come up that she hadn't been to the cool minigolf places in town. She agrees and we set a night and time, and I ask her if we should drive together since we're both driving from the south to the middle of town. She says she can pick me and so I give her my address.
That night comes around and I see her car in my driveway so I head out and get in. Instantly I feel bad, I feel like I'm being deceptive and misleading, cause I'm just not feeling that attraction to her yet I'm playing the part of someone interested. Regardless, we go to the minigolf place. The minigolf itself was fine, I figured we'd maybe be a bit more flirty but neither of us is really leading into that style of interaction. Afterwards she suggests we go to a bar, I suggest a bar not too far away, she agrees and drives us there. Inside we each get a drink and talk a bit but I quickly lose my interest in being there. It was a repeat of the first night, minus the loud music, in that I was asking questions about her and she wasn't asking me anything about me. So I figure she's not interested.
The bill comes and she makes no effort to get it so I finally give in and take it and pay for our drinks. I was really hoping she would pick up the drinks since I had paid for the first night of drinks which was about $40, and then the minigolf I paid for which was $20, and now these drinks were another $20. I have friends who we take turns paying, and she wasn't doing any of that.
So she drops me off, it's a bit awkward as I leave the car, cause I can't really hug her or anything. I tell Josh about it and he is also surprised that she didn't offer to pay. Sometimes women don't offer to pay their share on the first date, fine, I don't have an issue paying for the first date, but most nice women offer to pay taking turns or split it after that. But he convinces me to still give it another shot, maybe she's just shy and wasn't comfortable, though she seemed fine to me.
So we set up a third date, this time at a local restaurant. Get there, we both order drinks, she suggests an appetizer so we order that, and then we order our meals. The food was really good and conversation is slightly better this time, but she still doesn't ask me much. I do forge onward into slightly more controversial questions about her views on religion and politics. She wasn't religious though was raised Catholic, and she is apolitical. Such a thing is possible? I mean, I don't do much other than vote, I'm not an activist, but how can someone watch what's happening in this country and world and not feel bad for the downtrodden or anger towards a lying, piece of shit demagogue who was president, or other such things? It blows my mind, though obviously I am not as good at understanding other viewpoints as I would have once claimed.
So the bill comes and she makes no move to get it. I finally say, "So I guess I'm getting this one too?" and she responds with, "Oh, I can pay for my share if need me to". Well I don't need her to, I have plenty of money, and just her share? Even though I paid for the first two nights which weren't cheap? But she also told me a story of another Tinder date who bothered her cause he was so insistent that she pay for her share on the first date. So I'm like fuck it, I pay for it, $60, she doesn't even thank me, and she takes the boxes of leftover food.
As we're getting ready to go, she asks me if I want to come over to her house, to which I freak out a little bit, though try to not show it. Going to someone's house sometimes implies kissing and or sex, which I'm not ready for. But maybe she actually is interested in me then, despite her lack of trying to get to know me? So I agree, why not, I have nothing better to do but sit at home by my lonesome self.
She gives me her address and I follow her to her house. She has a huge house, I later looked the address up at the county assessor website and she paid something like $327K for it. It's really nice, brand new-ish, and big. Three car garage. A little excessive perhaps for one person? But also why would she not offer to pay then when clearly she can afford expensive things easily? I don't know.
She gives me the tour of her house and then we each get a can of some kind of alcoholic beverage in her kitchen and then just talk for an hour or so. But again, guess who keeps the conversation going? This guy. Finally I say I should probably go, get my coat and my shoes on, and then at the front door I turn back to say some kind of goodbye and she rushes up and starts kissing me. I start kissing her back, but in my head I'm freaking out a bit cause it's been literally 8 years since I last kissed a girl. So we kiss for a bit, but it's not the best, cause my brain is on overdrive. Finally we stop and I leave, freaked out.
I drove home and all the while thinking, "What the hell just happened?" We hadn't even broken the touch barrier. You know, person playfully puts a hand on your hand or shoulder, or bumps into you playfully, or something. Nothing, straight to kissing. But I'm still freaking out, wondering if I'll ever hear from her again given I'm so out of practice. And why's she express so little interest in getting to know me if she's interested?
I talk it over with Josh and he agrees it's messed up that she's not offering to pay taking turns on dates. He also agrees it's weird that she jumped straight into kissing me but doesn't ask me about myself? I mean, like I asked her where she went to college, what major, why'd she pick that major, how did she pay for college, did her parents help, what jobs did she work back then, and so on. Not that I want her to repeat all my questions back at me, but does she ask me anything about college? Nope.
So I get to thinking about it and I'm like, well, kissing a woman is fun, I would have had more fun if I wasn't so nervous. And I just need to come clean with her that I've been hurt in the past and it's been a long time, give her a bit of my relationship backstory. So I text her and tell her I enjoyed spending time with her and would like to see her again. So we set up date number 4.
The next date is at another local restaurant. This one you order and pay up front and then sit down and they bring your food to you. So this time it comes time to pay, and I'm prepared. I had told myself previously, "you are not going to pay for the next time, she clearly has money and can take turns, you must be assertive, you're already down 140 bucks ". So we're standing at the counter there, neither of us whipping out a credit card, and I say, "Are you going to pay for this? It's your turn, I can't keep paying every time we go out." "Oh, you want me to pay?" "Yeah." "Ok, yeah, I can pay." I felt proud of myself, cause I was really reluctant to say that, it comes across as such a jerk thing to say, but I needed to do it or be out another $40 (the price of our food and drinks at date 4).
We go and sit down and talk, and it's the same shit all over again. Except this time, I tell myself, I need to bring up our kissing the other night, and explain a bit of how I'm nervous and why. But it doesn't work that way. I keep asking her questions, and she doesn't ask me anything. So then in my head, I'm like, all right, let's just let her ask me something. Awkward silence ensues for what feels like an eternity, until I break and ask her something. I realize then that this couldn't possibly work, I don't see how I could ever open up to someone who shows such little curiosity about who I am or how I got to where I am at the present. So I don't tell her about my nervousness or even a tiny bit of relationship history, she's just not that interested in getting to know me.
After finishing the meal, we agree to go to her house again. We play a board game called Splendor there, it is a little annoying because she really wants to win and just slaughters me the first time we play cause I don't understand it well. Thanks for going easy on me! Then I understand it better and I beat her the second time we play and it annoys her, ha. She thinks I got lucky when I planned my moves. There's a reason I don't like to play competitive with people I get along with, I get pissy about losing and so do other people.
Then we decide to watch some TV. It was really enjoyable, we just watched her DVR recording of The Masked Singer which I had never watched. The show itself isn't what got me, it was watching it with another person, discussing it. I never realized how I never really do that with anyone since I'm always watching by myself. While we're watching, she gets this look in her eyes and then goes in for a kiss and I respond, less nervous than the night before, but still a little unsure of myself. We stop and finish watching the show. Then we decide I should leave, and on the way out, again, it's a bit of kissing on my way out the door, me getting a little more relaxed each time.
The next morning she texts me and says she enjoyed her time with me but doesn't think we're a good match and good luck. I just respond with "Ok". I mean, it's not like I disagree with her, though probably for entirely different reasons. I think she probably thought I was a bad kisser or didn't like how she had to make all the moves to initiate intimate things like kissing. We're both in our 30s, what's this guy doing spending over $100 on these dates and not even making out with her or trying to get into her pants. Yep, that's me.
So that was it. Josh was like, "Sorry it worked out like that" and I'm like, "Don't be. I'm not upset about it. I agree it was a bad match."
But now we're back to square one. This is totally cowardly but one nice thing about being single is I don't have to face my fears of getting hurt or rejected again. I'm so tired of being lonely but I'm also tired of trying to defeat fears and failing. C'est la vie.
We met on Tinder, which contrary to what some people believe, is used for more than hookups, i.e. dating. I hardly ever get matches, which while sad and demoralizing, is a fairly common thing for guys, based on reading reddit posts. She was the first woman I both matched with and felt somewhat excited for. Sometimes I match with people that I don't even remember swiping right (i.e. saying I'm interested) on, I am trying to be more selective.
So we start off with fairly basic questions back and forth over text. Then I was out of town for a few days but we still stayed in touch, though not texting a lot. I don't know, I'm not a big texter, and she wasn't apparently either.
So then we get to date number one. She had suggested the place and the day, since "they wouldn't have live music that day". Just a small local bar. We both live on the south side of town, so neither of us was particularly keen to go gallivanting to far off places. We both showed up at roughly the same time and met each other outside the door. Unfortunately I immediately realized I didn't feel a spark with her for whatever reason. We go inside, and there is very loud music. Unsure of where else to go, I just follow her lead and go with it anyway.
Frankly, the date was awful. We had to shout to hear each other over the music, and even then, hearing was a challenge. It got to the point where you sorta catch it but not entirely, and you say, "What?" and she repeats it and you say, "What?" and she repeats it and then you just nod your head as if you caught everything. Also, the conversation was not great. Every time we'd come to a pause, there'd be that bit of awkward silence, and then I would break it by asking her a question about herself. Which is fine, but we hit a lot of those pauses, so the conversation wasn't just flowing naturally, and she never reciprocated. I always rescued us from the silence, and for better or for worse I probably asked a question 80 or 90 percent of the time, instead of talking about myself.
So the date ends with a hug and that's that. I figured that was over, I didn't really have a fun time, but then she texts me saying she had a good time. I tell my friend Josh about it a few days later, and he convinces me to give it another shot. It wasn't a fair date since we had the loud music ruining it, and I shouldn't be looking so hard for a spark right away. By spark I mean that magnetic attraction you have towards someone.
So I invite her to go do minigolf since in our conversation that night it had come up that she hadn't been to the cool minigolf places in town. She agrees and we set a night and time, and I ask her if we should drive together since we're both driving from the south to the middle of town. She says she can pick me and so I give her my address.
That night comes around and I see her car in my driveway so I head out and get in. Instantly I feel bad, I feel like I'm being deceptive and misleading, cause I'm just not feeling that attraction to her yet I'm playing the part of someone interested. Regardless, we go to the minigolf place. The minigolf itself was fine, I figured we'd maybe be a bit more flirty but neither of us is really leading into that style of interaction. Afterwards she suggests we go to a bar, I suggest a bar not too far away, she agrees and drives us there. Inside we each get a drink and talk a bit but I quickly lose my interest in being there. It was a repeat of the first night, minus the loud music, in that I was asking questions about her and she wasn't asking me anything about me. So I figure she's not interested.
The bill comes and she makes no effort to get it so I finally give in and take it and pay for our drinks. I was really hoping she would pick up the drinks since I had paid for the first night of drinks which was about $40, and then the minigolf I paid for which was $20, and now these drinks were another $20. I have friends who we take turns paying, and she wasn't doing any of that.
So she drops me off, it's a bit awkward as I leave the car, cause I can't really hug her or anything. I tell Josh about it and he is also surprised that she didn't offer to pay. Sometimes women don't offer to pay their share on the first date, fine, I don't have an issue paying for the first date, but most nice women offer to pay taking turns or split it after that. But he convinces me to still give it another shot, maybe she's just shy and wasn't comfortable, though she seemed fine to me.
So we set up a third date, this time at a local restaurant. Get there, we both order drinks, she suggests an appetizer so we order that, and then we order our meals. The food was really good and conversation is slightly better this time, but she still doesn't ask me much. I do forge onward into slightly more controversial questions about her views on religion and politics. She wasn't religious though was raised Catholic, and she is apolitical. Such a thing is possible? I mean, I don't do much other than vote, I'm not an activist, but how can someone watch what's happening in this country and world and not feel bad for the downtrodden or anger towards a lying, piece of shit demagogue who was president, or other such things? It blows my mind, though obviously I am not as good at understanding other viewpoints as I would have once claimed.
So the bill comes and she makes no move to get it. I finally say, "So I guess I'm getting this one too?" and she responds with, "Oh, I can pay for my share if need me to". Well I don't need her to, I have plenty of money, and just her share? Even though I paid for the first two nights which weren't cheap? But she also told me a story of another Tinder date who bothered her cause he was so insistent that she pay for her share on the first date. So I'm like fuck it, I pay for it, $60, she doesn't even thank me, and she takes the boxes of leftover food.
As we're getting ready to go, she asks me if I want to come over to her house, to which I freak out a little bit, though try to not show it. Going to someone's house sometimes implies kissing and or sex, which I'm not ready for. But maybe she actually is interested in me then, despite her lack of trying to get to know me? So I agree, why not, I have nothing better to do but sit at home by my lonesome self.
She gives me her address and I follow her to her house. She has a huge house, I later looked the address up at the county assessor website and she paid something like $327K for it. It's really nice, brand new-ish, and big. Three car garage. A little excessive perhaps for one person? But also why would she not offer to pay then when clearly she can afford expensive things easily? I don't know.
She gives me the tour of her house and then we each get a can of some kind of alcoholic beverage in her kitchen and then just talk for an hour or so. But again, guess who keeps the conversation going? This guy. Finally I say I should probably go, get my coat and my shoes on, and then at the front door I turn back to say some kind of goodbye and she rushes up and starts kissing me. I start kissing her back, but in my head I'm freaking out a bit cause it's been literally 8 years since I last kissed a girl. So we kiss for a bit, but it's not the best, cause my brain is on overdrive. Finally we stop and I leave, freaked out.
I drove home and all the while thinking, "What the hell just happened?" We hadn't even broken the touch barrier. You know, person playfully puts a hand on your hand or shoulder, or bumps into you playfully, or something. Nothing, straight to kissing. But I'm still freaking out, wondering if I'll ever hear from her again given I'm so out of practice. And why's she express so little interest in getting to know me if she's interested?
I talk it over with Josh and he agrees it's messed up that she's not offering to pay taking turns on dates. He also agrees it's weird that she jumped straight into kissing me but doesn't ask me about myself? I mean, like I asked her where she went to college, what major, why'd she pick that major, how did she pay for college, did her parents help, what jobs did she work back then, and so on. Not that I want her to repeat all my questions back at me, but does she ask me anything about college? Nope.
So I get to thinking about it and I'm like, well, kissing a woman is fun, I would have had more fun if I wasn't so nervous. And I just need to come clean with her that I've been hurt in the past and it's been a long time, give her a bit of my relationship backstory. So I text her and tell her I enjoyed spending time with her and would like to see her again. So we set up date number 4.
The next date is at another local restaurant. This one you order and pay up front and then sit down and they bring your food to you. So this time it comes time to pay, and I'm prepared. I had told myself previously, "you are not going to pay for the next time, she clearly has money and can take turns, you must be assertive, you're already down 140 bucks ". So we're standing at the counter there, neither of us whipping out a credit card, and I say, "Are you going to pay for this? It's your turn, I can't keep paying every time we go out." "Oh, you want me to pay?" "Yeah." "Ok, yeah, I can pay." I felt proud of myself, cause I was really reluctant to say that, it comes across as such a jerk thing to say, but I needed to do it or be out another $40 (the price of our food and drinks at date 4).
We go and sit down and talk, and it's the same shit all over again. Except this time, I tell myself, I need to bring up our kissing the other night, and explain a bit of how I'm nervous and why. But it doesn't work that way. I keep asking her questions, and she doesn't ask me anything. So then in my head, I'm like, all right, let's just let her ask me something. Awkward silence ensues for what feels like an eternity, until I break and ask her something. I realize then that this couldn't possibly work, I don't see how I could ever open up to someone who shows such little curiosity about who I am or how I got to where I am at the present. So I don't tell her about my nervousness or even a tiny bit of relationship history, she's just not that interested in getting to know me.
After finishing the meal, we agree to go to her house again. We play a board game called Splendor there, it is a little annoying because she really wants to win and just slaughters me the first time we play cause I don't understand it well. Thanks for going easy on me! Then I understand it better and I beat her the second time we play and it annoys her, ha. She thinks I got lucky when I planned my moves. There's a reason I don't like to play competitive with people I get along with, I get pissy about losing and so do other people.
Then we decide to watch some TV. It was really enjoyable, we just watched her DVR recording of The Masked Singer which I had never watched. The show itself isn't what got me, it was watching it with another person, discussing it. I never realized how I never really do that with anyone since I'm always watching by myself. While we're watching, she gets this look in her eyes and then goes in for a kiss and I respond, less nervous than the night before, but still a little unsure of myself. We stop and finish watching the show. Then we decide I should leave, and on the way out, again, it's a bit of kissing on my way out the door, me getting a little more relaxed each time.
The next morning she texts me and says she enjoyed her time with me but doesn't think we're a good match and good luck. I just respond with "Ok". I mean, it's not like I disagree with her, though probably for entirely different reasons. I think she probably thought I was a bad kisser or didn't like how she had to make all the moves to initiate intimate things like kissing. We're both in our 30s, what's this guy doing spending over $100 on these dates and not even making out with her or trying to get into her pants. Yep, that's me.
So that was it. Josh was like, "Sorry it worked out like that" and I'm like, "Don't be. I'm not upset about it. I agree it was a bad match."
But now we're back to square one. This is totally cowardly but one nice thing about being single is I don't have to face my fears of getting hurt or rejected again. I'm so tired of being lonely but I'm also tired of trying to defeat fears and failing. C'est la vie.
